Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A Jury to Decide (Part 1)

The following blogs are based on my experience as a juror on a criminal trial.  They have had to be broken up because the original post was too long and I know for a fact that smaller blogs are much more manageable and fun to read than long ones.  I have changed the names of all people and places involved in order protect their and my identities.  Please read this blog as I have written it, as a person who went to court, full of pride and self-affirmation, and came away with insight, a broadened mind, and a more empathetic heart.  Thank you.

A Jury to Decide (Part 2)
A Jury to Decide (Part 3)
                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a feminist, a rape trial is among the most difficult of trials to judge. There is a part of me, nagging in my hind brain, that says "Rape is rape" and it tells me that every allegation she makes deserves to be met with the utmost seriousness and punishment by the law.
But there's another part of me, part scientist, part democratic republican, that says "Wait. Wait until all the facts are in. Wait until the sate has proves him guilty. He is innocent, he must be innocent, until he is proven beyond reasonable doubt that he is guilty. So wait."
I remember on the first day of trial, I showed up in my nicest pair of blue jeans and a dress top, hoping I'd get picked so that I could serve and be done. The courthouse was easy enough to navigate. All I had to do was act lost (not hard, seeing as I really did have no clue as to where I was going) and ask a security guard where jurors were supposed to report to. Looking back, I'm only half-ashamed of my lost puppy act.
I found my way to a public lounge where a large crowd (large for inside a building, anyway) was milling about. The looks on their faces ranged from faintly bored to mildly annoyed and possibly overtly inconvenienced. After checking in, I found myself mirroring the facial expressions of those around me. It was a long wait.
 Eventually we were led to a cold courtroom. When I say cold, I don't mean barren with an atmosphere of despair or hopelessness. It actually appeared inviting (in as much as those words can apply to wooden pews and short red carpet). I mean cold as in the judge turned the thermostat as low as it could go and still wished it could be colder. Yeah. I spent the rest of my jury duty in pants and long sleeves in the middle of summer. 
Numbers were pulled from a hat and names were called to come forward, including mine. We took seats and were then questioned by the judge and lawyers, both prosecutor and defense, in a process known as voire dire. During this process, a large group of potential jurors (27 in my case) are apprised of the overarching themes and conditions of the case at hand and are asked questions about their backgrounds and philosophies that may pertain to aspects of the case or influence a juror's interpretation,and therefore the final verdict. Having a lawyer for a father, I've seen voire dire done before. Not only him and the lawyer he was up against, but also the famous trial lawyer Jerry Spence, who has handled and won some of the most public cases in the late 20th and early 21st century. I've seen the best in action and let me tell you, these were not the best. The prosecution was soft spoken and sometimes hard to here. Going first is never fun, but the lawyer we shall refer to as Mr. Mills did not connect with the jury as he should have. He briefed us of the case, but focused the majority of his questioning on the potential jurors who worried him most, those who, if left on the jury, might hold a grudge against the state or divulge details of the case to others during the trial. While this strategy may have helped him in selecting jurors to release, it set him up as a long-winded, detail oriented, quiet speaker who would need to work hard to grab the jury's attention.
The defense attorney we could call Mr. Paulsen however, connected with the potential jury and methodically worked his way through each of the 27 potential jurors, asking each a question or 2 before turning his attention to the next. He was humble and used his life experience to relate the case and, specifically, any issues a potential juror would have with this case as if he truly did care about the juror's comfort with this trial. After voire dire, the lawyers are allowed preferential selection.
Out of the 27 potential jurors, each lawyer is allowed to eliminate 7, leaving only 13 jurors. Jurors who are selected for elimination are not necessarily dishonest or lacking in credibility, but they are the ones that have had some sort of life experience that could influence their decision.  I was, however, was not one of those eliminated.  Instead of having an attorney as a father calling into question my potential stance on the case, it actually solidified the lawyers' opinions of me that I would make a fair and unbiased judge of the facts that were to be presented.  Of the 13 jurors selected, 10 were women.  Clearly, this was going to be a case of pathos (or for the non-English majors out there, the use of emotion as a tool of persuasion).
This whole process of jury selection took until about 11:30, roughly 2 and 1/2 hours of questioning, of talking, of listening, and of hurrying up just to wait again.  Because it was not quite lunch time, the judge allowed opening statements to be read.  Keeping in mind opening statements tend to take about 30 minutes each, we were well into the lunch hour before we finished.  That was unfortunate as I had forgotten to eat breakfast that morning.
Tangential aside, opening statements is where the jurors find out the premise of the case.  Prosecution always goes first and lays out what they have to prove.  Mr. Mills, as factual as always, did exactly that.  It was a textbook example of an opening statement that accused the defendant, who we shall call Fred Jensen, of the following: 1) Terroristic threats, defined as a threat to commit a crime of violence either by intentionally conveying the threat to the victim or by acting in reckless disregard to the victim's demeanor, 2) Kidnapping, defined as either abducting a person or, having abducted the person, restrains them with the intent to terrorize, 3) 1st degree sexual assault, defined as subjecting a person to sexual penetration without consent or doing so knowing that the person is either physically or mentally incapacitated to withhold consent, and 4) use of a deadly weapon to commit a felony, defined as using a knife (in this case) to commit one of the above felonies.  Within all this legal jargon, I could tell that this case was going to have some incredibly serious consequences, whatever the outcome.  I was nervous.
Mr. Mills was nothing if not honest.  He came right out and said, "There were no witnesses to these crimes. At the bottom of this case, it is her word against his. Mr. Jensen is going to claim consent."  As soon as he said this, my innards scoffed.  Of course he was going to use consent.  They always do.  It's easy and nobody can actually "prove" otherwise.  But we'll get to that later.
When Mr. Paulsen stood up to give his opening statement, it was very different from what I expected.  Instead of stating the prosecution's error in charging his client, instead of intending to prove his client's innocence, his statement was simple.  "The burden to prove any aspect of this case rests on the prosecution," he stated.  "At no point during the course of this trial does the burden switch to the defense.  Innocence until guilt is proven beyond a reasonable doubt is one of the most wonderful thing about our system.  The defense is always innocent during the trial and he remains that way until the jury unanimously decides that he is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt and must therefore be convicted.  Even in deliberations is he innocence.  He does not become guilty until those last moments if the jury finds him so."  And that made me think.  During the course of the prosecution's opening statement, as blunt and factual as it was, I kept thinking, "How could he have done this?  Why did he do it?  What kind of person kidnaps, threatens, and rapes a girl, and then gets up there and says 'it was all consensual'?"  At Paulsen's statement, I realized that my thinking was very, VERY wrong. Undemocratically so.  I should not have been so easily swayed by the opening statements of the prosecution.  If anything, I should've been skeptical and ruthless in my analysis.
I have never been so aware of my human fallibility, of how easily I could be persuaded by mere words.


Monday, July 8, 2013

I Suffer From Depression

It's been a tough month guys.  My Grammy died just before the 4th of July (American Independence Day for any readers not native to the U.S.) and my great-aunt died shortly before her.  Not only that, but I have been on a jury for the past week and will continue to sit on it for a few more days and, while I can't say anything about the case itself until it's concluded (and I assure you, there will be a blog about my experience, like it or not), it has been a really tough trial, with allegations including kidnapping and rape.  Suffice it to say that my life is not exactly cheery at the moment.

Anyone who has read my blog before knows that I have had experience with depression.  I've said it before: Depression never fully goes away.  It'll dissipate for a long span but, when I think it's finally gone, and that I've finally beaten it, something will trigger a relapse and I go back to feeling worthless, empty, and worst of all (for me anyway) apathetic. Times like I have currently been dealing with do not, as you can imagine, make things any easier.

At one point in my depression I was, like Mr. Kevin Breel in the video below, suicidal to the point of sitting on a cold bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand.  I didn't go through with it.  I was, as Breel says, "one of the lucky ones who went up to the edge but didn't jump."  And, also like Breel, I would be remiss if I said that I had not thought about suicide again.  But going to the edge, seeing the long and scary drop, has only made me stronger and I know that, having beaten it back once, I can beat it again and again and again.

Kevin Breel's words are poetic, succinct, and hopeful.  They provide understanding for those who have not ever suffered from the debilitating hopelessness that is depression.  They provide comfort and strength for those who have.  They are a call to action by those who are able and a call for relief to those who have been fighting the battle alone for so long.  We are not alone.  We don't have to be ashamed.  We are going to be OK.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Heroism: To be or not to be...condoned

Hello folks! I know I only posted once last month, and for that I'm sorry, but I didn't really find anything that I especially wanted to post about.  I really love to write when I am absolutely inspired (which is bad for career writing, I know) but nothing really caught my attention.  That is, not really caught my attention until today.
On this blog, I post a lot about action.  Action needs to be taken.  Quiet action, public action, online action, mass action, individual action.  We all just need to act.  There are too many people who just stand by and let life happen around them, even when someone else is in trouble.  By this generalization, you'd think that any action taken to help another would be celebrated because hey, somebody finally stood up for their fellow human.  Isn't that what you'd think?
Here's my question: is simple action heroism?  Is doing the right thing now defined as performing heroics?  Is saving your fellow classmate from a "knife-wielding bully" classified as trying to be a hero?  According to a Calgary school, it is and heroism is not an action condoned by the school.
My first thought: Umm...what?
My second thought: Maybe there's something going on here that I'm not aware of.
My third thought (after furiously scanning the article in question): Nope.  There is nothing I'm not aware of and this school is teaching its students that action is not something to be taken by yourself, but by an older and more experienced adult.
My fourth thought: .... well, shit.
The article (http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/31/briar-maclean-reprimanded-for-stopping-a-knife-wielding-bully-at-school/) describes a teenage boy who wasn't looking for trouble but nonetheless found it right beside him, threatening a classmate with a knife.  His first instinct was not to go running for help, but to use the few vital seconds afforded him by the unsuspecting nature of the bully to push the knife away from his friend and significantly decrease the risk of injury.
Let me pause here and ask: if someone next to you was being threatened with a weapon and you have less than 3 seconds before someone gets hurt to decide whether to call for help or to push away the attacker, what would you do?
The article continues to say that the boy, Brian, was later called down to the principal's office and held there until the end of the day for police and school interrogation while his locker was being searched.  His mother also received a call informing her that her son was being irresponsible and "playing hero" and that the school did not condone his actions.  Essentially, the fact that Brian saved his classmate's life was inconsequential but the actions that Brian took to save the student were reprehensible and worthy of punishment.
May I take another minute and just restate my first thought? Umm...what?
This is not okay.  Take it from a four-eyed fat middle schooler named Sara who has also been a victim of bullying.  That's right.  I had my back against the wall.  I was surrounded by girls who were "better" than me. I was asked all kinds of shaming questions that I couldn't answer and when I tried they laughed in my face.  Had one of my friends, a beautiful and brave woman even at age 13, not acted, I have no doubt that the verbal harassment would have turned physical.  Katie had to walk into the semi-circle all by herself, grab my hand, and pull me out because I was incapable of getting out myself.  But Katie is not a hero for pulling me out of a situation like this just once.  She is a hero because she would do it over again.
Just like Katie, Brian's actions in the classroom did not make him a hero.  He simply did the right thing.  What makes Brian a hero is that he did the right thing and would do it again even if he knew he was going to get in trouble.  A hero is not someone who does the right thing once in public, but who tries to do the right thing always, regardless of the consequences of the perceptions of others.
Heroism cannot be a noun.  It must be a verb because to be a hero, you must never stop acting in ways that will protect the basic human values around you.  So Brian, continue to protect your friends, your peers, and most importantly, yourself, and you will be known as a hero the world around.

For more information on how to be an everyday hero visit: (http://www.raproject.org/).  This is really helpful in determining the difference between a value and a belief and it can put you in contact with some great resources to help you become an everyday hero.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Finals Study Break!!!

Hello all! It's finals time for me and you know what that means???
YES!!!! ENDLESS PROCRASTINATION!!!!!!
So, to start our procrastination cycle that will end in self-destruction and panic attacks, I give you...
ADORABLE ANIMALS LOOKING ADORABLE!!!!
(Just...you know...I take no credit for any of these pictures, and all that jazz)
























Good luck on finals everybody!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Malala Yousafzai

If you don't know her, you should.
She is an inspiration.  This girl, this wonderful and courageous girl, began blogging at age 11 for BBC's Urdu site.  She did what I am aspiring to do.
Malala took a good hard look at her narrow world to find out what was wrong with it and then she spoke.  And people listened.  And people understood.
This young Pakistani girl wrote about injustice and inspired a nation and made deadly enemies of the group she was criticizing, her oppressor, her nation's oppressor, the Taliban.
When she was 15, the world took her seriously enough that the Taliban considered her a major threat and shot her and, if I remember right, one of her friends while they were on the school bus on their way to school.  But she survived and you know what? That girl just kept on writing.  Damn...
She says that her book is a memoir to raise awareness about the millions of people, children among them, who are forced to abandon their potential under dictators after dictators who demand doublethink and unwavering loyalty and that violence is only dealt to those who deserve it, regardless of what you think you know...even if the violence is being dealt out to you.
If Malala Yousafzai is not an inspiration to you, if her message doesn't send you running towards your fears at full tilt while bellowing your most ghastly war cry, if her achievements do not leave you mouth dropped and your eyes burning, then it is already probably too late for you.  You have probably been overcome by apathy, commercial mind-washing, mind-washing from a dictator, or some other form of debilitating mental illness.  Because at 11 years old, Malala Yousafzai began to change the world by just combining and recombining scratches on paper and keys on a keyboard.  What can we do?

More information: http://time100.time.com/2013/04/18/time-100/slide/malala-yousafzai/

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

When it all seems HOPELESS...

I'm going to be as up front with you as possible.  You all deserve my honesty and sincerity on a World Wide Web of possibilities, as many of them fake and imaginary as truthful.
I am feeling defeated.
These past 5 years have been fraught with economic instability, with revolutions, with bigotry, with slander, with death.
Fear seems to be the sole motivator of our society.
We fear our next pay check won't arrive in time.
We fear that the economy will fall again, leaving us behind even square 1.
We fear that our interventionist foreign policy will get us involved in another battle.
We are so economically and nationally exhausted from this fear that we in fact fear that we won't be able to win the next fight.
We fear that no one will understand us.
We fear that our rights will be taken away from us or somehow devalued if another person, political party, or some faction of people gain power.
We fear that if we are not right, then we're wrong.
We fear that if we take action, it will cause more problems than it solves.

I am so tired.  I am so exhausted from this fear.  I don't deserve to be living in fear.  You don't deserve to be living in fear.  We are not supposed to wake in the morning and be scared that we are going to die on our way to the airport or to a football game or to a marathon or to school.
And I don't have an answer to it.  I can't explain why or how or what or when.
And so I do what we naturally do in times of fear.  We look up to our leaders for our answers and for our actions.
"How could this happen?" we say.
"When will this happen next?"
"What are we doing about it?"
"What should I do?"
"How should I live?"
But the worst part is that they don't know either.  They don't know and they can't act until they know because they are on a pedestal that is thousands upon thousands of kilometers above the jagged pit of our critical stares.  We expect them to unify us, somehow, when we can't do it ourselves. We expect them to find some Other person to blame.  We expect them to find us an outcast, someone to fight a perpetual war with.
Because it doesn't really matter, right? We're fighting for something, an idea perhaps.  And even if we don't know what that idea is, then someone up the chain-of-command surely does and they just haven't been able to tell us yet.
Yeah, that's it.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by the perpetrators of our fears.
Fourteen were injured by stabbing in Texas.
Three were killed and more than 120 were injured by bombs in Boston.
Thirty were killed and more than 100 injured by bombs in Afghanistan.
Fifty were killed and more than 200 injured by car bombs in Iraq.
Recently, news came out that bombs were discovered in Cedar Falls, Iowa.
North Korea has been stirring up trouble and bluffing its way into a corner since early 2013 which is unnerving because animals, people, and nations are always more dangerous when they are desperate.

But is that all I can really do?  Can I really only send out my thoughts and prayers to those who need them? Must I look up to leaders who don't have answers?  The answer is no.  And you don't have to be stuck in a passive role either.  I realize that in the past, a lot of my blogs have been about taking action, doing something visible and productive, getting out there in the world and maybe the world will follow your example.  This time I am asking that you take a step back.
Take a deep breath.  Look around.  Close your eyes.  Take another deep breath. Open your eyes.  Look around again.  Has anything changed?
Observing your environment and being conscious of your surroundings may often be more helpful than immediately running to someone's aid.  This is especially true when we are in large crowds, which have a tendency to be the target of these terroristic attacks.  I am of the opinion that people naturally care about each other.  When something traumatic happens, we instinctively protect those in our immediate vicinity and make sure that they are safe before hurrying to provide assistance, relief, and comfort to those who were affected by the event.
What I am suggesting in no way devalues that kind of action.  It is courageous and honorable and necessary. But in a large crowd, most people will do exactly that kind of action and our brains will subconsciously ignore anything that does not pertain to our provision of care to the injured.  In other words, we're so busy helping people, Scumbag Brain deletes our surroundings and memories of other people from our consciousness.
You, by holding back the instinct to aid your fellow man for just a few minutes, can look around and observe the environment.
Is there anyone who is not reacting to the event, either by standing by and watching or walking away?
What looks out of place?
The answer to that question is purely subjective, but if you know the area well, then you could see if there are any cars driving away, cars without license plates, cars with out of state license plates, backpacks or luggage carriers or strange bulky packages that don't seem to belong to anyone that are placed on the ground where lots of people might bump into them.
Never forget to look up.  Check windows, rooftops, glance into buildings if you can see their interiors.  These are the most commonly neglected places to look immediately after an explosion goes off or someone starts shooting people at random.
Remember details. Take mental notes or just carry a pen around with you at all times.  Your arms are awesome last-minute note pads.  All of your observations are useless if you can't remember what you saw.
Find the police and tell them what you saw as soon as you can. Your short term memory is very sharp and the sooner the police have this information, the more accurate it will be and the sooner they can go about catching the bastards that did it.
I will be the first to say that action is the most effective form of change, but action comes in many forms and accurate observation is among the most powerful and definitely the most underestimated.
While my advice in the bold is mostly for what you can do after a traumatic event happens, you can always practice your observation.  It's nearly impossible to tell when someone will jump on the crazy train and think it's a good time and place to kill everybody in the immediate area. Just noticing small things like someone putting things under cars or holding a conversation with themselves can be helpful because you may be able to prevent a traumatic event or to help a mentally disabled person find their way back to their care-taker.

Please stay safe. Please stay active. Please stay observant.


Friday, March 8, 2013

Impromptu Post: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!!!!

Right. So, in order to celebrate, I have memorized a spoken word poem titled "Pretty" by Katie Makkai that I have come to love. This post is going to be really short and here's what's going to be in it:
1) Transcript of the poem followed by the link I found it at
2) Link to the YouTube video where I first heard this poem and fell in love with it
Have a great International Women's Day!
Cheers!

"Pretty" by Katie Makkai

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, “What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? What comes next? Oh right, will I be rich?” Which is almost pretty depending on where you shop. And the pretty question infects from conception, passing blood and breath into cells. The word hangs from our mothers' hearts in a shrill fluorescent floodlight of worry.

“Will I be wanted? Worthy? Pretty?” But puberty left me this funhouse mirror dryad: teeth set at science fiction angles, crooked nose, face donkey-long and pox-marked where the hormones went finger-painting. My poor mother. 

“How could this happen? You'll have porcelain skin as soon as we can see a dermatologist. You sucked your thumb. That's why your teeth look like that! You were hit in the face with a Frisbee when you were 6. Otherwise your nose would have been just fine!

“Don't worry. We'll get it fixed!” She would say, grasping my face, twisting it this way and that, as if it were a cabbage she might buy. 

But this is not about her. Not her fault. She, too, was raised to believe the greatest asset she could bestow upon her awkward little girl was a marketable facade. By 16, I was pickled with ointments, medications, peroxides. Teeth corralled into steel prongs. Laying in a hospital bed, face packed with gauze, cushioning the brand new nose the surgeon had carved.

Belly gorged on 2 pints of my blood I had swallowed under anesthesia, and every convulsive twist of my gut like my body screaming at me from the inside out, “What did you let them do to you!”

All the while this never-ending chorus droning on and on, like the IV needle dripping liquid beauty into my blood. “Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Like my mother, unwrapping the gift wrap to reveal the bouquet of daughter her $10,000 bought her? Pretty? Pretty.”

And now, I have not seen my own face for 10 years. I have not seen my own face in 10 years, but this is not about me. 

This is about the self-mutilating circus we have painted ourselves clowns in. About women who will prowl 30 stores in 6 malls to find the right cocktail dress, but haven't a clue where to find fulfillment or how wear joy, wandering through life shackled to a shopping bag, beneath those 2 pretty syllables.

About men wallowing on bar stools, drearily practicing attraction and everyone who will drift home tonight, crest-fallen because not enough strangers found you suitably fuckable. 

This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty?” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer, “No! The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters.

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.”
(http://dianasmanylifetimes.blogspot.com/2010/11/katie-makkai-pretty.html)

And the YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

http://www.wand.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/International-Womens-Day-2011.gif