Career Goals: an introspective

The world is white-black and my eyes are liars who’ve not yet betrayed my heart.

Destructive interference in cardiomyopic waves,

Solutions muddled in a Collins glass shaken with two parts rum, one part lime juice and Hemingway’s pen scratching away on a white-black book against this dingy bar,

Drinking until his dreams are no longer paralyzing.

A Hemingway and a Hamlet

Torn in directions by dreams

By dreams, per chance, or by duty

To find calling in the world or to be led, listless, towards a destiny chosen by your father?

It’s a difficult path to pioneer when you head fights your heart,

but where is the path for the heart that fights itself?

A ring with only one boxer has no winner,

Only a point: it is fruitless to try to strike the left hand with the left glove.

By duty am I bound

But lies down this fate no freedom, that is

No delight, that is

No guilt.

By passion am I drawn

But lies down this fate no honor, that is

No fidelity, that is

No rancor.

Butter-rum skin on universal white-black canvas

melting indecisively as though relativity were a joke everyone is in on but me:

An imposter-scribe of my own life events

Fighting the shadow of the thoughts that create me

Betraying the cardial crossroads when my eyes sneak a glance at one of a million possible destinations.

Keystone XL Pipeline VETOED!!!...And why this isn't as good as it sounds

I'm someone who considers herself to be deeply connected the environment that surrounds my home. When I heard about the Keystone XL Pipeline and all of it's not-so-secret detrimental effects to the environment, I took up arms and banners against it. I protested and posted blogs.  I let my friends on social media and the poor interns at my senators' and representative's offices have it.  I was angry.

I still am.


1) The Keystone XL Pipeline infringes upon thousands of acres of valuable corridor habitat. These places allow migratory species to rest and refuel before continuing their journey to their summer or winter homes.

2) KXL carries the severe potential to leak.  While the the organizations who have vouchsafed the material that the pipeline would be constructed out of, they either could not or would not test the junctions, which is where most major leaks occur.

3) The process to extract and refine tar sands oil is inefficient and costly.

4) The "thousands" of jobs created are part-time and does not create a sustained job market.

BUT...Who is invested in this project?

If we just look at the list above, you see 2 investors:
            1) The United States (Government and People)
            2) Canadian Fuel Market

But (hold onto your socks, they're about to get knocked off) we're not the only ones who matter in a global market.

Are we honestly so arrogant to think that if we stop KXL from being built that Canada will just say, "Oh, OK. If the US doesn't want our oil, then we just won't develop this highly coveted resource"?

I was. I thought about my home.  Nebraska farmers and city-folk alike came together and submitted claims of unconstitutionality against KXL.  I thought about about the sandhills and the bluffs and the rivers, all unique environments desperately needed by the migratory birds that we are so famous for in early spring.  I thought about my air and water quality and the economy that I participate in.

But, in the grand scheme of things, I don't matter.

Let's give ourselves a brief pat on the back, U.S.  Even though we are still far from acceptable, the United States has set, maintained, and (more importantly) enforced certain environmental standards that are among the best and most rigorous in the world. And that's just on a federal level. State-wise, there can be additional regulations and consequences to reduce contamination and detrimental development.  (Insert happy dance).

But don't get too happy. In 2010 study, we still ranked 25th out of 25 developed and typically Western countries with environmental standards.  And, if we are so low, imagine the types of standards and level of enforcement (or, perhaps more fitting, lack thereof) in less developed countries or in those countries that are even more isolationist than we are.

Let's look at China, another heavy hitter and high bidder for this valuable, but dangerous resource. In a very brief comparison summary of Chinese vs US air quality standards, you can see that Chinese air contamination (and lack of strict environmental regulations) severely affects the quality of life of the people, especially children, living there. Primary school students have to be taught how to breathe shallowly in order to minimize their exposure to pollution.

Now let's get hypothetical:
The US has broken off all ties to Canada's tar sands oil.  We've explicitly stated we will not permit it within our borders.  China, now the highest bidder, gets the oil.
              Problem 1: Oil can only be exported to China via oceanic oil tankers. Great.  Before we even get the fuel to China, we have to deal with an increased risk of oil spills in the Pacific. 
Once the oil gets to the various Chinese plants and stations that require it, it is burned.
             Problem 2: Depending on the location of these plants/stations, environmental regulations cannot be reliably enforced. Cool. So, omitting the disastrous levels of pollution that get put out in the extraction and refining processes AND  the pollution and risk of spills to get the oil to these plants/stations [both of which hold similar variables in the US's version of this equation], there might not be any actual environmental regulation on how much of this oil can be burned at once/how to get rid of any dangerous by-products/etc...

In this hypothetical situation, the net negative of the US not having KXL outweighs the net negative of the US building KXL.  In this situation, one of many like it, the US was actually globally irresponsible in refusing the oil.

Back to the point: the president vetoed the bill to approve the construction of KXL today.
For the US regional ecosystem, this is undoubtedly a win.
In order for it to also be a win on a global scale, we have to look past our economy, our environment, our small but significant lives.
At the grandest scale, we need to eradicate the need for oil.
At the present scale, we need to eradicate the need for this particular Canadian tar sands oil.

An Open Letter to President Obama and the 113th United States Congress

Mr. President, Senators, and Representatives,

I would like to express my extreme displeasure at the way you look at your homeland.  You stare at it with greedy eyes, reminiscent of the cartoon characters we used to watch on Saturday mornings.  Your soul eats evil green paper like it is the food of the gods and your belt of morality gets tighter and tighter until you take it off and all you have left is your hunger.

This is unacceptable.

America is not a run down gas station that needs more brown oil oozing through its cracks and faults.  It is not a bank account that you can withdraw from and then, when you're overdrawn, you just get a slap on the wrist.

America is a landscape, a factory, a conversation.  It takes effort, critical thinking, and maintenance, not magic, petty grovelling, and band-aid solutions.  We are better than that.  You are better than that.  Wake up and realize this.

To my point, Representatives and Senators who have supported the Keystone XL Pipeline:
Shame on you.  You are lacking in perhaps the most important aspect of governance and that is working towards sustainability.  The founding fathers wrote the Bill of Rights knowing full well that it would have been easier to explicitly state all of the rights that individuals, state governments, and the federal government had because limitations would make working within the system easier.  However, they knew that it was not sustainable and they had to reach a compromise that allowed for ambiguity, uncertainty about the changing times, in order to maintain a thriving United States.

The bill you are pushing through has no such concessions for uncertainty and evolution of American culture.  It is a bedazzled eye-sore that you are forcing, unwanted, upon us American citizens who still believe that this crazy system is working.

Mr. Obama:
It has come out that, while you may still veto the approval of the Keystone Pipeline, you may use it as a bargaining chip in the future.  Mr. President, our country is not a bargaining chip and if you think that our country only extends to the urban environments, then you are sorely mistaken.

The facts are there: the jobs created by the Pipeline are temporary and we could be putting our construction industry to far better and more sustainable use.  The pipes are structurally strong in the middle, but the junctions are untested, which is where leaks occur.  Most of the revenue that is expected to come out of this project will not even stay in the US.  By enabling Canada's fracking, which is widely accepted as a danger process for both the human and environmental elements, the US would send a message to the world that the end, however temporary, justifies the means.

But clearly facts are not at play here.  Science, once picked up by the political system, becomes meaningless.  And it is for this reason, that I am imploring you on the basis of your humanity, your appreciation of beauty, and your faith in the American people to take the high road: Please do not approve of the Keystone XL Pipeline.

We are better than that.


-----
To contact your senator, visit:
http://www.senate.gov/reference/common/faq/How_to_contact_senators.htm

To get more facts about the Keystone XL Pipeline, visit:
http://www.factcheck.org/2014/03/pipeline-primer/

An Inactive Activist

I did something horrible today.

No, I did not kill someone, but thanks for putting it into perspective for me.

Today, I stayed inside and lay on my bed and watched as my neighbor washed out his paintbrushes in his lawn.

Why is that so bad, you ask?

With all the rains the Midwest has been getting, the ground is already saturated.  I don't know whether or not he used an environmentally-friendly paint, but I will assume not because they're not typical for interior paint jobs.  Therefore, all of the unsafe chemicals in the paint will enter the top soil which, already being saturated, means that those chemicals will be the first things in our water systems next time it rains.

Not only that, but he was using a hose.  A HOSE!!!! FOR 2 MEASLY PAINT BRUSHES!!!! Thanks to the Internet, we know that a hose has an average flow rate of about 3.5 gallons per minute.  This guy was washing each brush for roughly 5 minutes.  Let's do some basic math, people:

2 brushes x 5 minutes/brush x 3.5 gallons/minute = 35 gallons of water wasted!!!!

When he could have used a 1 gallon, 5 gallon, or even 10 gallon bucket and got the same results!!!!

And I stayed inside. And laid on my bed. And watched as my neighbor washed out his paintbrushes on his lawn.

English freak. Science geek. Social Activist Wannabe.  Well, the wannabe really came out here.
I knew the science.
I'm working the English even as you read this right now.
But I didn't act.

Acting is a conscious choice that, most of the time, is very difficult.

Sometimes you think, "The situation isn't clear enough" or "I'm not close enough" or "I wasn't ready".  And sometimes, that may be the case, but that doesn't make the action any less hard.  The situation was clear, I was close enough, and I wasn't preparing for anything else and yet I still didn't act.

And so I confess my crime to be complacency and I stand before you, my readers and friends, my judge and jury.  I cannot promise that this will not happen again, only that I have recognized my mistake and will not be so ignorant to my apathy in the future.

Even the best of us fail and I certainly will lay no claim to being the best.
But, starting today, I will be better.

Today is an Ugly Day

Ok, so maybe that's a slightly misleading title for my blog.

No, today was not ugly.  It was actually a rather beautiful 70 and sunny.  I woke up at 9, got my hair cut, picked up some sanding sponges, varnish, and brushes and worked on my new coat rack for an hour.  I then completed days 3 and 4 of my 30 day Buns, Guns, & Abs challenge before going for a swim at the gym, where I found out that I'd lost 6 pounds since finals ended.

The point is, this should have been a beautiful day.  So why was it ugly?

New readers to the blog: Welcome to where Sara tries to explain depression in a way that seems all-encompassing even though she's really not trained for it.

Ugly days happen.

We all get them.

That day that those jeans don't fit right or you wake up with a major case of bed head.
Those days when the girl or guy you've been trying to get to notice you still hasn't taken the hint.
The weekend after you somehow pulled off the biggest presentation of your career and yet no one even seemed to recognize the work you did.

Just those days when you feel ugly, think ugly, can't get out of "Ugly".  When your best isn't good enough and progress is seemingly marked by dripping molasses, only you can't see where it comes from and you can't know where it goes to.

These are the days when the fight is harder, the self doubt is more suffocating, the second guessing more costly (I spent way more than I should have on that varnish...).

There is a trend going around. #100HappyDays  The idea behind it is wonderful: Focus on the good stuff to remind yourself that, when there is bad stuff, it won't last all that long.  But sometimes we're so focused on trying to be happy that we forget what contentment is.

That is the cause of Ugly Days.  I have forgotten what contentment felt like.  I had forgotten to be me enough to be proud of me for what I'd done, not what I had done in comparison to someone else.  I recently started a DIY coat rack project.  It doesn't matter that someone else has finished one and it looks freaking amazing (http://knockoffdecor.com/), but I have forgotten to be proud of my initiative.

Sometimes, in an active and all-sharing online culture such as ours, it's too easy to see other people being absolutely amazing and getting recognized for it and then fall into a pit of apathetic worthlessness.

But I'm not apathetic.
I'm not worthless.

And better yet: you are not apathetic.
You are not worthless.

We can be content in ourselves.  Maybe we're not happy with the finished product, but we can be content enough to rest and tackle the next challenge when we're ready.

And that's all I can do for today.  So friends,  I will be content with myself for the evening and tomorrow, I will face new challenges when I am ready.

It's OK to have an Ugly Day.  Just put it to bed with the sun and wake up to a new tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

Don't "Just Do It"

Nike has done a fantastic job of branding itself as the "doers" of fitness.  People who wear their gear are go-getters who "Just Do It".  No excuse, no apologies.  They get out there and they get things done and they look damn good doing it.

I love this.  I love Nike's mission to get people up and active and taking personal responsibility for their lives and their health.  Now if they could only make shoes with an insane amount of gelled inner-arch support, that would be great...

But there is a slight misleading quality to Nike's slogan.  Just doing it doesn't always cut it.  While Nike's brand motivates and starts that fiery passion in the gut, fiery passion just isn't sustainable. Fiery passion, like its very real physical representation, burns out.  Sometimes fire burns low and you can't seem to find a single twig of motivation to keep it alive.  Sometime fire burns out completely and you have to find two brand new sticks to rub together in a desperate hope that this time, maybe, you can make it work.

I don't know how many people have actually tried to rub two sticks together to create fire, but speaking from experience, it's a lot harder than it sounds.  

1) Find the right sticks, one preferably bowed and the other long and straight.

2) Find dry kindling, small twigs, dried grasses, that won't take much heat and friction to spontaneously combust

3) If you thought collecting kindling was enough, then think again. Now find enough firewood to keep the fire going long enough for you to go out and find more later.

4) Take that bowed stick you found earlier, tie a string (that magically appeared?) to it, and wrap it once around the bigger stick.

5) Realize that you've forgotten to make a nest, find a coal catcher, sharpen the long stick, cut a chimney, etc.

6) Give up because there is so much to do and to remember that, honestly, it probably isn't worth your time and effort.  You won't use this in the future.  This is stupid.

There are so many opportunities that we are given the chance to be a part of.  We can become a founding member of an organization, we can take this job in a field that has always interested us but that we've never had experience in, we can start a kitchen renovation.  We can say, "Yeah.  I'm just gonna do it." and then we think that we will and it will be over and then we'll go back to our regular lives. Wrong.

When you allocate time for something, you invest in it.  When that passion-fire dies down, so many people are prone to give up.  We give into the headaches.  We make those excuses we promised ourselves we wouldn't make.  We procrastinate hoping that new motivation will re-spark our passion.  And, worst of all, when a huge and daunting challenge confronts us and directly opposes our progress, we feel powerless and are more likely to relinquish our power.  During these dark moments, none of the inspirational quotes make sense and it seems like the fear will never go away.  You doubt yourself.  You doubt your purpose.  You doubt.

And here is where Nike gets it wrong.  You can't "Just Do It".  You have to "Just Keep Doing It".  It sucks.  There really is no point denying that. But starting a project is just that: a start.  It is not the most important part of the project.  Anyone who's ever kept a New Year's Resolution will tell you that the first couple of weeks were easy.  You were super excited about the "New Year, New You" plan, going to the gym, eating healthy but, somewhere, the temptation to quit weighed heavy on your overwhelmed mind.

It's the middle bit where it gets hard.

You've realized that this project you've started, this position you've accepted, is not the glamorous ideal you once thought it would be.

Just Keep Doing It.

The end is not in sight.

There doesn't seem to be anything but the pressure to persist and the guilt and shame and powerlessness that comes along with failing for the first time some aspect of the goal you set for yourself.

Just Keep Doing It.

10 hours of sleep in 72 hours.

You can't remember when you last ate a meal that wasn't just a granola bar or drank something that wasn't packed with caffeine.

Just Keep Doing It.

Because guess what?  Those are the moments you remember later when you can finally say, "I did it."  You remember what you sacrificed and you remember those who sacrificed for your achievement.  And those are the memories that you can take with you to the next project you are asked to make sacrifices for.  Those are the same memories that you can take with you to support the next person who finds themselves questioning the sacrifices they've made in the passionate hope to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

Speaking as one who has the tendency to over-commit: I do not regret pushing through my panic and uncertainty and feelings of powerlessness.  I regret, instead, those times that I was unwilling to sacrifice a little sleep and free-time to complete a project.  I also regret those times that I was unwilling to sacrifice my time, my preconceptions, my shoulder to cry on, and my listening ear for those who were struggling with their personal sacrifices and wanted to give up.

And I've gained an understanding.  The panic, the fear of powerlessness, the uncertainty never really goes away.  It's a cliche to state that no one actually knows what they're doing, they just all sort of stumble along hoping they'll figure it out as they go.  But the the ones who grow the most and who learn the most and who are the most effective leaders are the ones with a life long goal of stumbling and learning and stumbling again through all challenges.

Humble enough to admit that they have forgotten to make a nest, find a coal catcher, sharpen the longer stick, and cut a chimney, they are the ones who go back, as many times as needed, so that they can eventually enjoy and share the warmth that their passion and persistence created.

I Suffer From Depression

It's been a tough month guys.  My Grammy died just before the 4th of July (American Independence Day for any readers not native to the U.S.) and my great-aunt died shortly before her.  Not only that, but I have been on a jury for the past week and will continue to sit on it for a few more days and, while I can't say anything about the case itself until it's concluded (and I assure you, there will be a blog about my experience, like it or not), it has been a really tough trial, with allegations including kidnapping and rape.  Suffice it to say that my life is not exactly cheery at the moment.

Anyone who has read my blog before knows that I have had experience with depression.  I've said it before: Depression never fully goes away.  It'll dissipate for a long span but, when I think it's finally gone, and that I've finally beaten it, something will trigger a relapse and I go back to feeling worthless, empty, and worst of all (for me anyway) apathetic. Times like I have currently been dealing with do not, as you can imagine, make things any easier.

At one point in my depression I was, like Mr. Kevin Breel in the video below, suicidal to the point of sitting on a cold bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand.  I didn't go through with it.  I was, as Breel says, "one of the lucky ones who went up to the edge but didn't jump."  And, also like Breel, I would be remiss if I said that I had not thought about suicide again.  But going to the edge, seeing the long and scary drop, has only made me stronger and I know that, having beaten it back once, I can beat it again and again and again.

Kevin Breel's words are poetic, succinct, and hopeful.  They provide understanding for those who have not ever suffered from the debilitating hopelessness that is depression.  They provide comfort and strength for those who have.  They are a call to action by those who are able and a call for relief to those who have been fighting the battle alone for so long.  We are not alone.  We don't have to be ashamed.  We are going to be OK.