Career Goals: an introspective

The world is white-black and my eyes are liars who’ve not yet betrayed my heart.

Destructive interference in cardiomyopic waves,

Solutions muddled in a Collins glass shaken with two parts rum, one part lime juice and Hemingway’s pen scratching away on a white-black book against this dingy bar,

Drinking until his dreams are no longer paralyzing.

A Hemingway and a Hamlet

Torn in directions by dreams

By dreams, per chance, or by duty

To find calling in the world or to be led, listless, towards a destiny chosen by your father?

It’s a difficult path to pioneer when you head fights your heart,

but where is the path for the heart that fights itself?

A ring with only one boxer has no winner,

Only a point: it is fruitless to try to strike the left hand with the left glove.

By duty am I bound

But lies down this fate no freedom, that is

No delight, that is

No guilt.

By passion am I drawn

But lies down this fate no honor, that is

No fidelity, that is

No rancor.

Butter-rum skin on universal white-black canvas

melting indecisively as though relativity were a joke everyone is in on but me:

An imposter-scribe of my own life events

Fighting the shadow of the thoughts that create me

Betraying the cardial crossroads when my eyes sneak a glance at one of a million possible destinations.

Vespers (A collection of 3 poems)

I. A sentence

, which is not to say that I am lacking in that respect, but rather that my voice, a voice that relies on a pair of inherited chromosomes, the eternal promise that this air, the same air we’re sharing, will always be able to vibrate and carry those vibrations and transfer them to the hidden receptacles within your body so that you can interpret them, and not an insignificant amount of chance that my shaking voice will match to patterns you are familiar with – but of course you must be familiar with them as you are human and I am human and our humanities allow for a certain amount of innate understanding of one another unless you are, well, you know those people to whom I refer; there is a difference between talking and speaking and it lies in the fact that for one, there is no purpose, and for the other, the purpose is complex, evolving, and inviting others to eventually join a larger conversation over something that is personally meaningful and to somehow have to convey these abstract ideas and words by means of voices over which we have no control,

II.An Afterthought OR My views on the purpose of existence

(                          )

III.My Poem

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde

I speak with words not my own.

Who owns each syllable, each sound that drops from my lips like diamonds and diamondbacks?

Each hiss of breath,

hiss of hot lead

feverishly melting in delicate patterns on paper,

who owns this?

The writer has the fever,

infects her audience with its heat,

but the fever belongs to the disease which has come before,

and will come again,

though an age may pass in between of curséd health.

It’s the cacophony of teeth,

the smell of sweat and stale vomit,

the neatly simmered rage,

all of these things of mine,

that plagiarize the playwrights and philosophers of old,

those rulers of the Golden age of thought and reason and linguistic innovation,

who, in turn, plagiarized the divinity of the planets they could see,

somehow turning them into a mockery of a representation in the process.

But the planets are mere shadows in the background of some ancient man’s cave painting

and in the foreground is the only truth he knows:

the immediacy of his situation and,

unable to see past his need and into the future, he

like me,

speaks with words not our own.

An Inactive Activist

I did something horrible today.

No, I did not kill someone, but thanks for putting it into perspective for me.

Today, I stayed inside and lay on my bed and watched as my neighbor washed out his paintbrushes in his lawn.

Why is that so bad, you ask?

With all the rains the Midwest has been getting, the ground is already saturated.  I don't know whether or not he used an environmentally-friendly paint, but I will assume not because they're not typical for interior paint jobs.  Therefore, all of the unsafe chemicals in the paint will enter the top soil which, already being saturated, means that those chemicals will be the first things in our water systems next time it rains.

Not only that, but he was using a hose.  A HOSE!!!! FOR 2 MEASLY PAINT BRUSHES!!!! Thanks to the Internet, we know that a hose has an average flow rate of about 3.5 gallons per minute.  This guy was washing each brush for roughly 5 minutes.  Let's do some basic math, people:

2 brushes x 5 minutes/brush x 3.5 gallons/minute = 35 gallons of water wasted!!!!

When he could have used a 1 gallon, 5 gallon, or even 10 gallon bucket and got the same results!!!!

And I stayed inside. And laid on my bed. And watched as my neighbor washed out his paintbrushes on his lawn.

English freak. Science geek. Social Activist Wannabe.  Well, the wannabe really came out here.
I knew the science.
I'm working the English even as you read this right now.
But I didn't act.

Acting is a conscious choice that, most of the time, is very difficult.

Sometimes you think, "The situation isn't clear enough" or "I'm not close enough" or "I wasn't ready".  And sometimes, that may be the case, but that doesn't make the action any less hard.  The situation was clear, I was close enough, and I wasn't preparing for anything else and yet I still didn't act.

And so I confess my crime to be complacency and I stand before you, my readers and friends, my judge and jury.  I cannot promise that this will not happen again, only that I have recognized my mistake and will not be so ignorant to my apathy in the future.

Even the best of us fail and I certainly will lay no claim to being the best.
But, starting today, I will be better.

Today is an Ugly Day

Ok, so maybe that's a slightly misleading title for my blog.

No, today was not ugly.  It was actually a rather beautiful 70 and sunny.  I woke up at 9, got my hair cut, picked up some sanding sponges, varnish, and brushes and worked on my new coat rack for an hour.  I then completed days 3 and 4 of my 30 day Buns, Guns, & Abs challenge before going for a swim at the gym, where I found out that I'd lost 6 pounds since finals ended.

The point is, this should have been a beautiful day.  So why was it ugly?

New readers to the blog: Welcome to where Sara tries to explain depression in a way that seems all-encompassing even though she's really not trained for it.

Ugly days happen.

We all get them.

That day that those jeans don't fit right or you wake up with a major case of bed head.
Those days when the girl or guy you've been trying to get to notice you still hasn't taken the hint.
The weekend after you somehow pulled off the biggest presentation of your career and yet no one even seemed to recognize the work you did.

Just those days when you feel ugly, think ugly, can't get out of "Ugly".  When your best isn't good enough and progress is seemingly marked by dripping molasses, only you can't see where it comes from and you can't know where it goes to.

These are the days when the fight is harder, the self doubt is more suffocating, the second guessing more costly (I spent way more than I should have on that varnish...).

There is a trend going around. #100HappyDays  The idea behind it is wonderful: Focus on the good stuff to remind yourself that, when there is bad stuff, it won't last all that long.  But sometimes we're so focused on trying to be happy that we forget what contentment is.

That is the cause of Ugly Days.  I have forgotten what contentment felt like.  I had forgotten to be me enough to be proud of me for what I'd done, not what I had done in comparison to someone else.  I recently started a DIY coat rack project.  It doesn't matter that someone else has finished one and it looks freaking amazing (http://knockoffdecor.com/), but I have forgotten to be proud of my initiative.

Sometimes, in an active and all-sharing online culture such as ours, it's too easy to see other people being absolutely amazing and getting recognized for it and then fall into a pit of apathetic worthlessness.

But I'm not apathetic.
I'm not worthless.

And better yet: you are not apathetic.
You are not worthless.

We can be content in ourselves.  Maybe we're not happy with the finished product, but we can be content enough to rest and tackle the next challenge when we're ready.

And that's all I can do for today.  So friends,  I will be content with myself for the evening and tomorrow, I will face new challenges when I am ready.

It's OK to have an Ugly Day.  Just put it to bed with the sun and wake up to a new tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

Don't "Just Do It"

Nike has done a fantastic job of branding itself as the "doers" of fitness.  People who wear their gear are go-getters who "Just Do It".  No excuse, no apologies.  They get out there and they get things done and they look damn good doing it.

I love this.  I love Nike's mission to get people up and active and taking personal responsibility for their lives and their health.  Now if they could only make shoes with an insane amount of gelled inner-arch support, that would be great...

But there is a slight misleading quality to Nike's slogan.  Just doing it doesn't always cut it.  While Nike's brand motivates and starts that fiery passion in the gut, fiery passion just isn't sustainable. Fiery passion, like its very real physical representation, burns out.  Sometimes fire burns low and you can't seem to find a single twig of motivation to keep it alive.  Sometime fire burns out completely and you have to find two brand new sticks to rub together in a desperate hope that this time, maybe, you can make it work.

I don't know how many people have actually tried to rub two sticks together to create fire, but speaking from experience, it's a lot harder than it sounds.  

1) Find the right sticks, one preferably bowed and the other long and straight.

2) Find dry kindling, small twigs, dried grasses, that won't take much heat and friction to spontaneously combust

3) If you thought collecting kindling was enough, then think again. Now find enough firewood to keep the fire going long enough for you to go out and find more later.

4) Take that bowed stick you found earlier, tie a string (that magically appeared?) to it, and wrap it once around the bigger stick.

5) Realize that you've forgotten to make a nest, find a coal catcher, sharpen the long stick, cut a chimney, etc.

6) Give up because there is so much to do and to remember that, honestly, it probably isn't worth your time and effort.  You won't use this in the future.  This is stupid.

There are so many opportunities that we are given the chance to be a part of.  We can become a founding member of an organization, we can take this job in a field that has always interested us but that we've never had experience in, we can start a kitchen renovation.  We can say, "Yeah.  I'm just gonna do it." and then we think that we will and it will be over and then we'll go back to our regular lives. Wrong.

When you allocate time for something, you invest in it.  When that passion-fire dies down, so many people are prone to give up.  We give into the headaches.  We make those excuses we promised ourselves we wouldn't make.  We procrastinate hoping that new motivation will re-spark our passion.  And, worst of all, when a huge and daunting challenge confronts us and directly opposes our progress, we feel powerless and are more likely to relinquish our power.  During these dark moments, none of the inspirational quotes make sense and it seems like the fear will never go away.  You doubt yourself.  You doubt your purpose.  You doubt.

And here is where Nike gets it wrong.  You can't "Just Do It".  You have to "Just Keep Doing It".  It sucks.  There really is no point denying that. But starting a project is just that: a start.  It is not the most important part of the project.  Anyone who's ever kept a New Year's Resolution will tell you that the first couple of weeks were easy.  You were super excited about the "New Year, New You" plan, going to the gym, eating healthy but, somewhere, the temptation to quit weighed heavy on your overwhelmed mind.

It's the middle bit where it gets hard.

You've realized that this project you've started, this position you've accepted, is not the glamorous ideal you once thought it would be.

Just Keep Doing It.

The end is not in sight.

There doesn't seem to be anything but the pressure to persist and the guilt and shame and powerlessness that comes along with failing for the first time some aspect of the goal you set for yourself.

Just Keep Doing It.

10 hours of sleep in 72 hours.

You can't remember when you last ate a meal that wasn't just a granola bar or drank something that wasn't packed with caffeine.

Just Keep Doing It.

Because guess what?  Those are the moments you remember later when you can finally say, "I did it."  You remember what you sacrificed and you remember those who sacrificed for your achievement.  And those are the memories that you can take with you to the next project you are asked to make sacrifices for.  Those are the same memories that you can take with you to support the next person who finds themselves questioning the sacrifices they've made in the passionate hope to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

Speaking as one who has the tendency to over-commit: I do not regret pushing through my panic and uncertainty and feelings of powerlessness.  I regret, instead, those times that I was unwilling to sacrifice a little sleep and free-time to complete a project.  I also regret those times that I was unwilling to sacrifice my time, my preconceptions, my shoulder to cry on, and my listening ear for those who were struggling with their personal sacrifices and wanted to give up.

And I've gained an understanding.  The panic, the fear of powerlessness, the uncertainty never really goes away.  It's a cliche to state that no one actually knows what they're doing, they just all sort of stumble along hoping they'll figure it out as they go.  But the the ones who grow the most and who learn the most and who are the most effective leaders are the ones with a life long goal of stumbling and learning and stumbling again through all challenges.

Humble enough to admit that they have forgotten to make a nest, find a coal catcher, sharpen the longer stick, and cut a chimney, they are the ones who go back, as many times as needed, so that they can eventually enjoy and share the warmth that their passion and persistence created.

An Introvert's Guide to Being Extroverted

According to Myers-Briggs, StrengthsFinder, VisualDNA, and Quizilla, I am an introvert.  The classic response to this is, "So, you don't like people?" to which I reply, "Um....".

There really is no correct response to that question.  Sometimes, I crave human interaction, conversation, intellection, and other times I would rather be by myself, eat a bowl of cookie dough ice cream, and read a book or watch a movie or write rant-y blog posts.  So I've dedicated time to finding out what a true introvert is.  Stereotypically, you are an introvert if you make up excuses to not hang out with people, if you'd rather have a good Friday night in, or if you prefer green over purple.

But so far, the best definition of introversion and extroversion I've found was from my own parents.  They say, "The only real difference between introverts and extroverts is their chosen method of recovery.  At the end of a long day, extroverts are more likely to restore their energy by hanging out with a group of people.  Introverts are more likely to recover by spending their time by themselves."  And to be honest, I like this definition.  I love my friends, my family, and even social situations that require grace, skill, and intellect to navigate.  But at the end of the day, I want to be alone to internalize, process, and reflect.

But I am in college and I live in my sorority house with 14 other women, not to mention my other sisters who can drop by any time between about 7 am and midnight (1 am on weekends), and as much as I love them, I am often frustrated that I don't get as much alone time as I'd like.  Which brings me back to my original purpose: how to appear extroverted when you haven't had time to fully recover.

Never fear! Over-involved Sara is here!  In a few easy steps, I will help your exhausted, introverted self fight your way minute by minute, day by day, through the drudgery of social and professional interaction until you can finally find some quality recovery time.

1) Drink caffeine.  Lots of caffeine.

-- Caffeine is basically the legal version of adderall.  It's kind of bad for you, but it will give you the energy you need to focus on the task at hand.  The trick to using caffeine effectively is to start small.  Get used to tea before you graduate to coffee.  Dr. Pepper before Mountain Dew.  Red bull before Monster.  This way, you will still be affected by the caffeine and you won't build up a high tolerance too early in the game.  Drink Responsibly.

2) Prepare for battle.
--Insert bizarre warrior metaphor here.  Ladies, take 10 minutes before you leave and put on your war paint...I mean, make-up.  That foundation lays the foundation of your day: smooth, resistant, enduring.  Your cover-up?  Camouflage in the jungle that is the office, classroom, etc. Mascara and/or eyeliner brightens your eyes so that you can effortlessly pretend to be paying attention to someone.  Gentleman, your tie and blazer are your shining breast plate and chain mail.  Make sure they're clean and unwrinkled and then your polished look will reflect the light of authority into the eyes of the competition, giving you the advantage.

3) Write things down.
-- Seems simple enough.  When you write down what others are saying, you instantly appear reflective and introspective.  This will also show your intellectual side for any potential romantic interests nearby.

4) Ask open-ended questions.
-- These types of questions require long, extensive answers.  Even if you don't necessarily want to listen, you can at least avoid putting any actual effort into the conversation.  Examples include: "What do you plan to do immediately following graduation?", "What sites to you expect to see on vacation?", "What makes the leaves change color?", and my personal favorite, "Why is it that, every time I talk to you, you seem irritated?"
BONUS: Try incorporating noncommittal words and phrases to draw out their answer.  These are, "Really?", "Is that so?", "Why is that?", and "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.  What did you say?"

5) Pre-plan your escape routes.
-- When you first walk into a room, what do you do?  Do you notice all the people there and freak out? No! That'd be stupid.  You find all the ways out of the room, notice where the clumps of chairs and tables are that you'll have to navigate around, look for the mail cart in the hall and map its route so that you can avoid it to minimize your escape time.  You never know when someone will want to engage you in meaningful conversation and you'll have to whip out the "I have diarrhea" card and speed walk out of there.

6) Carry around snacks to share.
--They can't talk if they've got their mouths full.  Plus, it's an easy way to earn brownie points with your friends or colleagues. (Get it? Brownie points?  As in brownies? I'm so funny.)

7) When possible, avoid eye contact.
-- Eye contact establishes a connection with another person.  No eye contact. No connection.  Easily accomplished if you're "too busy" to establish eye contact by writing things down.  See #3.

8) Construct, edit, and practice your sentences in your head.
-- This will help ensure that you can fit all of your points into one concise moment of speech, saving you from the effort of having to explain or elaborate later.  The only downside to this is that sometimes a discussion will move quickly from point to point and so just when you've finally got down what you want to say, the group will have moved on to a completely different point and you've missed your chance.

9) Say "yes" to say "no".
-- By this, I mean commit yourself to projects and activities that you are passionate about so that you can fill your time enough to justify you saying no to going to your co-worker's boyfriend's dog's birthday party on Friday night.  Unless there's cake, in which case it's up to you.
  (Side note: You should always make time for cake.  It was there for you when your ex broke up with you, when you graduated,when your grandma died, and when your best friend got married.  You owe it big time.)


10) Say "No".
-- In all seriousness, social and professional interactions are exhausting.  Instead of making jokes or excuses, sometimes you just need to say, "I'm sorry.  I'm really tired.  I just need to decompress by myself for a little while".  And if your friends are your friends, they'll understand.  If your boss or co-workers value you, they'll understand.  I am a firm believer in one's obligation to complete a task they said they'd do and I hold myself to that same standard.  But if I need some help or a deadline extension, I am not ashamed to ask.  Then I finish whatever project I started and I say "no" to the next few until I feel like I've recovered enough to tackle the next challenge.  And that's perfectly fine.