Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Extra! Extra! Italians Kiss and Make Up in Parliament!

Let us mark the date, ladies and gentlemen, when an entire body of government stood unanimously and kissed their neighbor.  Yes, kissed.  Yes, their neighbor was of the same sex. And yes, this was in support of a bill that was being voted on in the house banning discrimination of the LGBT community.

But let's back up a bit.  For those of you who don't know, LGBT (and sometimes there's Q) stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, (and Questioning) and this community has become very vocal in the past few years about wanting their right to marry, to obtain jobs, to admit that they're homosexual or transgender without being ashamed.  But why on earth would we want to let people not feel ashamed for who they are?

We already tell women that they need to be skinny, wear cup size D, wear lots of make up, and have a perfect complexion.  We tell women that they should not sacrifice their complexion for game-day enthusiasm in all of it's face painted glory (Thanks Dannon Light and Fit Greek Yogurt).  We tell women that they should lose the blubber and save the whales (Thanks PETA).  We tell women that they should be ashamed of being who they are and that they should try to be someone else.

We tell men that they need to bulk up, to buy the next big truck, and to fall in love with the next big screen TV just in time for Game Day. We tell men that they can't cook for themselves so they'd better find a nearby pizza place with a deal (Thanks Pizza Hut).  We tell men that they are the horse's ass if they can't figure out the next big tech device (Thanks Sony).  We tell men that they should be ashamed of being who they are and that they should try to be someone else.

It seems, then, as though no one can be OK with themselves unless they are actively trying to be someone else. Did I get that right?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all about personal improvement.  There are times when I have to reconsider my opinions and beliefs and let them go or revise them in light of new information.  There are times when I need to push myself a little farther on the track or do just one more push-up because I'm never going to get fit if I don't stretch my limits as well as my aching muscles.  But there's a difference between personal improvement and trying to be someone else in that the last one is wrong. It's unhealthy. It's an ever present disappointment.  It's Just. Plain. Wrong.

And the Italians, being the stereotypical outspoken love-mongerers that they are, had something to say about it.  The M5S party (which stands for the Five Star Movement), after being told that being gay was inappropriate, stood unanimously and staged a Kiss-In that took the internet by surprise.  In the midst of this violence and revolution, there are still people out here with me shouting, "Make Love, Not War" and they are shouting this message to the world, for the world, and this message is of this world. Italy is now one step closer to becoming a nation of acceptance and peace, of unity and sweat, of hard work and hard play, simply because they are choosing NOT to withhold this message from ANY of their people.  And I am choosing NOT to withhold their message from ANY of the people whose lives I may touch.

And now a message to Italy: I love you.  I love your pizza. I love your sausages on your pizza.  And I love your audacity and courage to spread love when it seems that there is little to go around.  Thank you.


Friday, August 30, 2013

A Jury to Decide (Part 2)

My last entry on this topic was not graphic.  It was introspective and retrospective.  I warn you now.  I am going to talk about very uncomfortable things.  Specifically I will be talking about oral, vaginal, and anal sex.  I will be talking about a girl who claimed she had reason to fear for her life and a guy who was high on meth and just wanted somebody to relieve his desires.  Both the words and the content in this post is for mature adults who are interested in the brutal duality of a rape trial.
Now that you have been warned, I continue....

A Jury to Decide (Part 1)
A Jury to Decide (Part 3)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The testimonies began with the 'victim' herself. I use the parentheses because, at the beginning, we were not to view her as a victim, but merely as an accuser.  Once again, I was forced to remind myself that I was not there to determine a just punishment for a rapist, but the validity, if any, in the story of the accuser.

Katie Smith was called to the stand and sworn in.  The first thing I noticed about her was that she was a small girl, thin and demure.  The second thing I noticed about her was that she appeared smaller than she actually was.  Her body was folded in around herself and, throughout her testimony, she seemed to duck her head and hunch her shoulders, almost as though she was ashamed or scared. When she was asked a question, her eyes locked with the lawyer she was talking to and sometimes, when I let my thoughts run away with me, I imagined that the eye contact was a life line to her, helping her distance herself from her horrific story.  And when she was not being asked to do anything, whether the lawyers were conferring or looking through their notes, she glanced frequently at the 13 of us who might decide her fate.

I shall take the time to run through her testimony as I remember it, and also that of Fred Jensen's.   I will try to do this in chronological order, inserting differences in their testimonies wherever I believe they are relevant. There were many other witnesses called, some who had contact with Fred and/or with Katie, the officers who arrested Katie, and one expert who testified to the DNA evidence that was submitted and I will submit them when relevant.   But as both parties admitted that sexual intercourse had taken place, and there had been no eye witness accounts to Katie refusing consent, it ultimately came down to his word versus hers.  And now we begin.

Katie had woken up on a Saturday morning in late October of last year (2012).  She had some plans to go to a worship practice and to get her car's AC repaired in the afternoon, but neither were set in stone.  Her boyfriend, Nate, had stayed the night, though they did not have sex that night.  Both had woken up when they heard a loud knock but, as it was Katie's apartment, only Katie got up and dressed enough to see who was at the front door.  Fred Jensen, who had been to Katie's apartment once before to use the bathroom after a work shift, was standing there.  Fred and Katie knew each other, but not by name.  Fred worked as a gas station attendant at a station that was frequently visited by Katie and her friends and family.  Katie, thinking it was funny for him to be at her door again, asked him if he needed to use the bathroom again and when he said yes, she let him in.
      ---My thoughts at this moment: why did he come over the first time if they were only barely acquainted? I am sorry to say, I never got that question answered.----

This is where the story starts to get fuzzy.  Katie, after letting Fred in, says that he came back from the bathroom and wanted to ask her a question.  When she got close, Fred pulled out a knife and threatened her for money.  When she said she didn't have any, Fred started to pull her to the bedroom but Nate was in there so he improvised by taking her out of the small town and into the country where he forced her to have sex.  According to Katie, the time spent in the apartment was no more than 15 minutes.  Backtrack to the beginning of this paragraph.  Fred said that he came in, really pissed off at his wife and wanting to talk.  He was high on meth, so all of his emotions and desires were heightened.  He said he went to Katie's apartment to hook up, but, after using the bathroom [an odd consistency in all of the testimonies], suddenly he started talking about his problems at home with his wife.  He said he was crying, was depressed and angry at the way he treated his wife and that she didn't someone like him, who had been caught cheating before.  But he couldn't hold in his desires.  After at least 30 minutes, he started coming around to his original purpose.  Fred asked Katie if she wanted to have sex and her words were "We can't. My boyfriend's in the bedroom".  Thinking that this might be a ruse, Fred gets up, checks, and sees she's not lying.  So they make plans to meet up later (directions were found in her handwriting from approximately her town to a location very near where Fred lived).  But Fred still wanted it then and there, so he thought that if he could just get Katie out of the house, maybe she'd change her mind.  His testimony was that she left her house willingly without shoes, her cell phone, or even her apartment key to go have sex with him out in the country.  We'll get to that later, but in essence, Fred spent nearly an hour in Katie's apartment.  And stranger still Nate's testimony estimated about the same time within the apartment.  So why did Katie lie?

Returning to a chronological order: Katie said that she was forced into the back seat. (Fred's story was that Katie jumped into the backseat first, before he asked what she was doing and told her to sit in the front seat. Another weird consistency...)  She said that she was told to keep her head down whenever any cars drove by (Fred said she kept ducking down).  They got to the first location which was an access road to a creek.  Katie, without shoes and only in PJ bottoms, a flannel over-shirt, and a sports bra, went into the forest (forced, walked willingly, I think you know whose story is whose).  When they got away from the road, Katie (was forced, willingly) took off all of her clothes, Fred dropped his pants and Katie (was forced, willingly gave) oral sex to Fred.  Katie then walked, naked, across the creek where, in a clearing,  Fred and Katie tried to engage in anal.  Here's a very important part so as disgusting as it is, I'm going to walk with you through this one because I, as a juror, took this into serious consideration when deliberating.
Katie's Story:
Fred kept saying "You know you want it.  You know you want me to fuck you in the ass."  His pocket knife was closed but in his hand and, scared, she let him do it to her.
Fred's Story:
Katie wasn't thrilled with the idea but she was willing to try anyway.  They didn't get very far before he had to pull out because she was in pain.
Here's where it gets gross but important.  Immediately after anal, Fred's penis was wiped with Katie's sleeve and she put it in her mouth and began to give him oral sex.  From Fred's testimony, the jury would be led to understand that Katie did it of her own free will.  She willingly stuck something that had just been in her butt into her mouth.  While Katie's story had made me question some of her credibility in the earlier stages in this affair, the fact that both parties agreed on the exact order of events at this point made me analyze what I know about myself and every girl I know.  And what I came up with was that Katie's story made more sense.  None of the girls I am familiar with, none of the girls that any members of the jury were familiar with, would willingly perform oral on a man immediately after anal sex.  In a jury of her peers, Katie's testimony was the most reasonable explanation of events.

After oral wasn't going fast enough for Fred, Katie turned over (once again, whether it was upon coercion or done willingly depends Katie or Fred) and they engaged in vaginal sex. [ In testimony from the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, the jury saw in a diagram that Katie sustained a laceration on the back of the opening of her vagina which is common in really rough sex or non-consensual sex and in the crotch of her pajama shorts, there was a stain that looked like blood that verified the laceration's existence.] Because the vaginal sex was going to fast for Fred, he pulled out, Katie wiped his penis with a sleeve again and then performed oral sex until he, once again, ejaculated onto the grass nearby.  Katie then (was allowed to, or did on her own) got dressed and the two walked back through the woods and got into Fred's car.  It is at this point that I would like to remind readers, as well as myself, that it was late October.  Autumn was well underway and it was cool out.  Cockle-burs and dead leaves and sticks blanketed the ground that Katie walked over without shoes.  Setting is key.

Katie got into the front seat this time and Fred drove them to a different location, what happened to be a dead-end road nearby a couple of farm houses and another creek.  Fred led Katie through a cornfield and down a bank to a clearing in the woods by a creek.  There, Fred once again pulled down his pants and pulled up his shirt (Katie said that the pocket knife was in his hand in his shirt.  Fred admitted he had a pocket knife but that it never left his car.) Katie started giving him oral but they were interrupted by the sound of a 4-wheeler.  A Mr. Stevens lived across the way, saw Fred's car parked at the end of the road and came to see what was going on at the edge of his property.  Fred told Katie to stay in the trees while he talked to the man on the 4-wheeler, making up some story about him and a friend fishing.  The exchange took place a distance away from the woods and it was pointed out by Mr. Paulsen that Katie could have run (earlier, he had given a fantastic barrage of questions leading up to the point that Katie could have bitten Fred's penis hard or even off, could have pulled his scrotum down and twisted it or shoved it hard into his pelvic region if she felt that she was being violated, but she didn't. Why didn't she? Sorry. Tangent.). Katie could have run into the creek, run away, run towards the man on the 4-wheeler, screaming.  Why didn't Katie try to run for help?

When Mr. Stevens drove away on his 4-wheeler, Fred came back and told Katie that she had to get dressed and that they had to leave this location.  Katie got back in the front seat and Fred then drove to a third location near a fairly busy bridge.  Katie, still without shoes, walked the rocky downhill to the bottom of the culvert and then (was told to, willingly) jumped into the large drain in the side of the culvert.  But what would compel her to just get into this drain in the bottom of a culvert when not many people can see her?

Fred, after looking around decided that the bridge above the culvert was too busy for him to finish the oral that was started in the second location.  So Katie got out of the drain (about 4 feet off the ground), and they went back to Fred's car.  Fred had decided to take Katie home, roughly 5 hours after they had first left her apartment. Here's where kidnapping really comes into play.  It may have been a little suspicious in the apartment in the morning, but Fred does himself in.  Watch.
Katie's Story:
"I kept telling him, 'Just stop the car. Let me out. I can walk from here [about 2 miles from her apartment].  If you let me out, I promise I won't tell anybody, just let me go'.  He started driving down the road that would lead to the street to where my apartment was.  He kept saying things like, 'Shit, what did I do? I'm so sorry'. I kept saying 'It's ok, just let me go'.  But when he got to the street where my apartment was, he turned the opposite way.  I thought he was going to kill me and then dump me somewhere and I started crying."
Fred's Story:
"She was getting all weird on me.  She kept saying things like I didn't really love her, that I only wanted to use her body, that she was going to be in so much trouble with her boyfriend.  So I was just going to take her home.  Yeah, I turned down a different way than that street that went to her apartment.  But I needed to make sure that she wasn't going to tell anyone.  I couldn't let it get back to my wife.  She'd be so disappointed.  So yeah. I went the long way. I asked her 'What are you gonna tell your boyfriend?' but she wouldn't tell me. She kept freaking out."
Here he admits that he took her, against her will, somewhere that she didn't want to go, careless of her feelings. Kidnapping 101.

Apparently, Katie was "freaking out" so much, that Fred just slowed the car down and Katie jumped out on a bridge into the main part of the town.  Fred told her to just get back in, that he was sorry she felt bad (but whether bad was in regards to a rape/kidnapping or to being used for her body and that he didn't actually care about her or her reputation is up to the storyteller. )  But Katie refused to move until Fred drove down the bridge.  As he started driving away, Katie began to walk down the bridge into the town.  Fred turned his car around at the bottom of the bridge (he said that it was simply because where he lived was the other direction, but Katie's testimony was that he pulled up to her again to say he was sorry and to get her to promise not to tell anyone.  She said she promised).  Once Fred's car was on the other side of the bridge however, he turned around again.
Katie's Story:
"I was afraid that he had realized that he made a mistake in letting me go.  I was afraid he was coming back to kill me."
Fred's Story:
"I turned around because it was a busy street and I shouldn't have let her just walk on the bridge by herself.  I was going to just pick her up and take her back home."

Regardless of the rationale, when he turned around again to come back up the bridge, Katie jumped the guard rail and took off to the nearest row of houses whose back yards were less than 25 yards from the bridge.  After sprinting to the fronts of the houses, she located a driveway with several vehicles parked in it, ran up to there door and started ringing the doorbell over and over again until a teenage boy answered.

From here until the end of this post will be Katie's story about the rest of the events that occurred that day. All of it was verified by the testimonies I heard from those who interacted with her after she reached this house.

Katie was looking over her shoulder when the boy (last name McMiller) answered the door.  She pushed her way past him saying, "I need to get in" and then she shut the door quickly behind her and sank against door in a huddle.  The boy was (understandably) confused.  Katie and the McMillers had never met before and yet here she was, sobbing, shaking, dirty, and without shoes in the front room of their house.  The McMiller boy called his mother, an RN or Registered Nurse, up from downstairs where she was watching a movie.  When Mrs. McMiller came upstairs and saw what was going on, she first tried to comfort the girl a bit before pulling aside her son, asking if he knew what was going on and who the girl in their house was.  He said no and by this time, Katie was asking for a phone to call her mom and her boyfriend.  Mrs. McMiller called to Mr. McMiller, a volunteer fireman, and told him to bring the house phone.

Katie called her mom first but she as soon as she heard her mother's voice, she fell into incomprehensible hysterics.  Mr. McMiller took the phone from her and explained that no, he was not the one who had made Katie cry like that and no, he was not aware of what was going on, but he was going to call 911 and get someone out to help them figure the situation out.  Mr. McMiller then handed the phone to Mrs. McMiller to explain where they lived and how Katie's mom could get to the McMiller residence while Mr. McMiller called the 911.

By this time, Katie had calmed down enough to allow the McMillers to lead her to the living room and sit on their couch and ask questions pertaining to her physical and emotional states.  Katie, after prompting, told the McMillers (and through them, the 911 operator) that she had been kidnapped and raped.  Her emotional state was consistent with that of a trauma victim.  She would cry intermittently and she was incredibly apologetic for small things like getting the McMiller's couch dirty, walking on their floors with dirty feet, crying so often, barging in on them, etc.

 Because Mr. McMiller was a volunteer fireman and Mrs. McMiller was an RN, they knew (although the 911 operator told them) what Katie could and could not do.  She was allowed water but she couldn't brush her teeth or shower or clean herself in anyway that might remove evidence of her claims.  An ambulance arrived shortly after Mr. McMiller ended his call with 911, and a few minutes after that, a county sheriff's vehicle arrived.  After an initial check up with the EMTs and a few questions from the officers (Katie didn't want to relive her story again and brushed off the officers at the McMiller house), she rode in the ambulance to the hospital where she was to be given a SANE examination (Sexual Assault Nurse Examination. Yes, I know the last part is redundant, but that kind of thing happens with exam or test acronyms).

The SANE exam was given to her by a nurse who had had lots of experience with women who have been or who claim to have been sexually assaulted.  She was knowledgeable and skilled, and knew what to expect from someone who truly had been sexually assaulted.  Her assessment of Katie's emotional state and overall composure throughout the exam was that Katie's reactions and attitudes during the exam and towards the exam itself where consistent with those of a woman who had experienced sexual trauma.

The SANE box (a sealed box that is only opened once when the person is to be examined and again when the evidence is tested by the lab) had a packet of questions about a potential victim's situation (which the SANE nurse asked Katie, initiating the exam in a non-invasive way), an envelope for pictures of all injuries, an assessment for immediate medical attention (which, if Katie had had a broken bone or internal bleeding or some other medical emergency, the SANE nurse would have deferred her to the emergency room), a head-to-toe body exam, a comb and paper for head and pubic hair combings, small plastic containers for stool and urine samples, and swabs for the mouth and exterior genitalia.  The exam would also include an exam of the exterior genitalia and rectum and the internal genitalia and rectum. Each procedure, it is important to note, is completely under the directive of the potential victim.  Katie had the right at any time within the procedure to say, "No, I don't want this.  This is too invasive." And the nurse was required to ask, before starting anything knew, if Katie wanted to or was ready to go on with the examination.  The examinations have been known to take up to even 6 hours for those who need time to come to terms with what has happened and what is happening to them.  Katie took several breaks between portions of the examination and submitted to everything but the internal examinations of her genitals and rectum, two very commonly declined portions of the exam.

During the exam, her mother was nearby, as was her boyfriend Nate, who Katie had instructed the McMillers to get in touch with.  Several hours later, after the SANE exam, an interview with a deputy, and picking out Fred Jensen from a photographic line-up, Katie went home.

Sexual Assault Examination Kit

Friday, August 9, 2013

On Your Mark...Set...GEEK OUT!

Ok, so I know I'm supposed to be finishing up my jury duty blogs, but it's serious stuff. I really don't like being serious that often (maybe you can't tell that from my blog because I write about a lot of serious things...but in real life, I'm a happy-go-lucky person. Honest!). So, I am proud to present to you...YOUTUBE'S FIRST ANNUAL GEEK WEEK!!!! (applause! cheering! etc.)

If you haven't been following it like I have (by stalking every single video on the spotlight channel and TOTALLY fangirl-ing over every single YouTube star that collaborated in the projects), YouTube is finally recognizing the Age of Geekdom by dedicating a whole week of featured videos having to do with all things geek.  Each day has a different theme (which I will go through shortly and link videos as well) and the partners of YouTube collaborated to produce a lot of high (and low) budget videos to honor those who have dedicated their lives to the betterment of geeks everywhere. I don't know if I'm explaining the overarching idea of this very well, so we'll just cut to the daily doses of geekery.
                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok. So cuts don't work very well in written blogs. It was worth a shot, right?
1) Blockbuster Sunday
This is the video that started it all and is hosted by none other than FreddieW, CGI master and actor extraordinaire. Here, we are introduced to spoofs, trailers, and premieres from some of the geekiest channels on YouTube.  Be prepared for a date that ends badly, a Star Wars look-a-like with a diva personality, and Breaking Bad: The Middle School Musical. Yeah. If that doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will.

2) Global Geekery Monday
Chester See brings his talent to the table with Global Geekery Monday, a day devoted to geeks around the world. YouTube features a Naruto movie trailer from the infamous NigaHiga, YomYomF's brand new hit single "How to be More Asian", and Alex Day finally being introduced to Dr. Who. As though he's never seen it before. Really. Even people living under rocks have heard about the Doctor!  Who does this kid think he's trying to fool? Not me, I assure you.

3) Brainiac Tuesday
Derek from Veritasium inspires us all to ask analytical questions and get our hands dirty when he widens our minds and our eyes with his cornstarch-and-water-on-a-speaker trick.  Not only that, but we get see a Free Runner dive into a ball pit, eggs failing to break on plates, Neil Degrasse Tyson's top 10 reasons to love science, and how to make a Robot Mech that even MythBuster Adam Savage is impressed with.  Guys? This is why I'm a science major.

4) Super Wednesday
Nerdist Matt Mira wants to welcome you to the wonderful world of SUPERHEROES!!! (Too many "W"s, I agree. Presented for your pleasure (I know. I need to stop the alliterations) are a Flying Man who may or may not be on the side of the law, the answer to the question "What if Batman drove a Nissan?", and none other than Stan Lee himself explaining to the simpletons of the Hollywood industry how our favorite superhero movies should have ended. Maybe we could start a petition for Wolverine to get him onto Kelly Ripa next Thursday. Yes? No? Maybe?

5) Gaming Thursday
FINALLY! A day for all gamers to just let loose and not be ashamed and tell someone that the cheese puffs ran out and the no0b of the group needs to go get more. Bad joke? Ok. But seriously, Dodger (presshearttocontinue) and Adam (Inside Gaming) highlight the best of the gaming videos from the ENTIRE INTERNET!!! Just kidding. They're not the best.  Just kidding.  They are, but the videos are YouTube only, not the entire internet. That would be crazy.  You know what's not crazy? Gravity Guns. Video Game High School. Elders React to Grand Theft Auto V.

6) Fan Friday
The queen of all things Geek, Felicia Day in all her glory and awkwardness (aka, geeky-ness), hosts Fan Friday, a day to celebrate what really makes the geekdom so powerful: users and fans. From her own channel, we see her constructing movie monsters from really strange foods (up to AND INCLUDING dried squid and chicken feet).  Also featured are a quiz game show with 7 of the best YouTubers in the UK, a Smash Mouth Parady featuring SoulPancake, Tay Zonday, and more on "How to Make a Viral Video", and none other than the WEASLEY TWINS hosting a top 10 best cos-playlist.  See what I did there? Just kidding. I can't take credit for that one.  Fred made it up. Or George.  Or Fred.  I can never tell the two apart.
                                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cut to an end scene where I tell you that GEEK WEEK IS NOT OVER YET! That's right, there is 1 day left!  I know I got this up late, so you haven't been kept up to date, but there's still time to jump on the bandwagon.  Which is weird...because usually the bandwagon has a rather strict "No Geek" policy.  My point is that tomorrow, Saturday, is the Closing Day for Geek Week. Not that the videos will be gone or anything. You'll just be behind the times.  The geekdom has no room for useless baggage (muahahahaHAHAHAH!) Tomorrow I will update this blog post with the final highlight video from Geek Week.  In the meantime, I hope you enjoy spending hours upon hours catching up on the productions from the royal court of the Geekdom.

Geek out, my friends.

UPDATE: So...apparently Saturday is "Best Of Saturday".  This is essentially YouTube's excuse for just reviewing some of the best videos of the week and not finding anything new for us to geek out over. Oh well. So it goes.  Enjoy the rest of the playlists! :)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A Jury to Decide (Part 1)

The following blogs are based on my experience as a juror on a criminal trial.  They have had to be broken up because the original post was too long and I know for a fact that smaller blogs are much more manageable and fun to read than long ones.  I have changed the names of all people and places involved in order protect their and my identities.  Please read this blog as I have written it, as a person who went to court, full of pride and self-affirmation, and came away with insight, a broadened mind, and a more empathetic heart.  Thank you.

A Jury to Decide (Part 2)
A Jury to Decide (Part 3)
                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a feminist, a rape trial is among the most difficult of trials to judge. There is a part of me, nagging in my hind brain, that says "Rape is rape" and it tells me that every allegation she makes deserves to be met with the utmost seriousness and punishment by the law.
But there's another part of me, part scientist, part democratic republican, that says "Wait. Wait until all the facts are in. Wait until the sate has proves him guilty. He is innocent, he must be innocent, until he is proven beyond reasonable doubt that he is guilty. So wait."
I remember on the first day of trial, I showed up in my nicest pair of blue jeans and a dress top, hoping I'd get picked so that I could serve and be done. The courthouse was easy enough to navigate. All I had to do was act lost (not hard, seeing as I really did have no clue as to where I was going) and ask a security guard where jurors were supposed to report to. Looking back, I'm only half-ashamed of my lost puppy act.
I found my way to a public lounge where a large crowd (large for inside a building, anyway) was milling about. The looks on their faces ranged from faintly bored to mildly annoyed and possibly overtly inconvenienced. After checking in, I found myself mirroring the facial expressions of those around me. It was a long wait.
 Eventually we were led to a cold courtroom. When I say cold, I don't mean barren with an atmosphere of despair or hopelessness. It actually appeared inviting (in as much as those words can apply to wooden pews and short red carpet). I mean cold as in the judge turned the thermostat as low as it could go and still wished it could be colder. Yeah. I spent the rest of my jury duty in pants and long sleeves in the middle of summer. 
Numbers were pulled from a hat and names were called to come forward, including mine. We took seats and were then questioned by the judge and lawyers, both prosecutor and defense, in a process known as voire dire. During this process, a large group of potential jurors (27 in my case) are apprised of the overarching themes and conditions of the case at hand and are asked questions about their backgrounds and philosophies that may pertain to aspects of the case or influence a juror's interpretation,and therefore the final verdict. Having a lawyer for a father, I've seen voire dire done before. Not only him and the lawyer he was up against, but also the famous trial lawyer Jerry Spence, who has handled and won some of the most public cases in the late 20th and early 21st century. I've seen the best in action and let me tell you, these were not the best. The prosecution was soft spoken and sometimes hard to here. Going first is never fun, but the lawyer we shall refer to as Mr. Mills did not connect with the jury as he should have. He briefed us of the case, but focused the majority of his questioning on the potential jurors who worried him most, those who, if left on the jury, might hold a grudge against the state or divulge details of the case to others during the trial. While this strategy may have helped him in selecting jurors to release, it set him up as a long-winded, detail oriented, quiet speaker who would need to work hard to grab the jury's attention.
The defense attorney we could call Mr. Paulsen however, connected with the potential jury and methodically worked his way through each of the 27 potential jurors, asking each a question or 2 before turning his attention to the next. He was humble and used his life experience to relate the case and, specifically, any issues a potential juror would have with this case as if he truly did care about the juror's comfort with this trial. After voire dire, the lawyers are allowed preferential selection.
Out of the 27 potential jurors, each lawyer is allowed to eliminate 7, leaving only 13 jurors. Jurors who are selected for elimination are not necessarily dishonest or lacking in credibility, but they are the ones that have had some sort of life experience that could influence their decision.  I was, however, was not one of those eliminated.  Instead of having an attorney as a father calling into question my potential stance on the case, it actually solidified the lawyers' opinions of me that I would make a fair and unbiased judge of the facts that were to be presented.  Of the 13 jurors selected, 10 were women.  Clearly, this was going to be a case of pathos (or for the non-English majors out there, the use of emotion as a tool of persuasion).
This whole process of jury selection took until about 11:30, roughly 2 and 1/2 hours of questioning, of talking, of listening, and of hurrying up just to wait again.  Because it was not quite lunch time, the judge allowed opening statements to be read.  Keeping in mind opening statements tend to take about 30 minutes each, we were well into the lunch hour before we finished.  That was unfortunate as I had forgotten to eat breakfast that morning.
Tangential aside, opening statements is where the jurors find out the premise of the case.  Prosecution always goes first and lays out what they have to prove.  Mr. Mills, as factual as always, did exactly that.  It was a textbook example of an opening statement that accused the defendant, who we shall call Fred Jensen, of the following: 1) Terroristic threats, defined as a threat to commit a crime of violence either by intentionally conveying the threat to the victim or by acting in reckless disregard to the victim's demeanor, 2) Kidnapping, defined as either abducting a person or, having abducted the person, restrains them with the intent to terrorize, 3) 1st degree sexual assault, defined as subjecting a person to sexual penetration without consent or doing so knowing that the person is either physically or mentally incapacitated to withhold consent, and 4) use of a deadly weapon to commit a felony, defined as using a knife (in this case) to commit one of the above felonies.  Within all this legal jargon, I could tell that this case was going to have some incredibly serious consequences, whatever the outcome.  I was nervous.
Mr. Mills was nothing if not honest.  He came right out and said, "There were no witnesses to these crimes. At the bottom of this case, it is her word against his. Mr. Jensen is going to claim consent."  As soon as he said this, my innards scoffed.  Of course he was going to use consent.  They always do.  It's easy and nobody can actually "prove" otherwise.  But we'll get to that later.
When Mr. Paulsen stood up to give his opening statement, it was very different from what I expected.  Instead of stating the prosecution's error in charging his client, instead of intending to prove his client's innocence, his statement was simple.  "The burden to prove any aspect of this case rests on the prosecution," he stated.  "At no point during the course of this trial does the burden switch to the defense.  Innocence until guilt is proven beyond a reasonable doubt is one of the most wonderful thing about our system.  The defense is always innocent during the trial and he remains that way until the jury unanimously decides that he is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt and must therefore be convicted.  Even in deliberations is he innocence.  He does not become guilty until those last moments if the jury finds him so."  And that made me think.  During the course of the prosecution's opening statement, as blunt and factual as it was, I kept thinking, "How could he have done this?  Why did he do it?  What kind of person kidnaps, threatens, and rapes a girl, and then gets up there and says 'it was all consensual'?"  At Paulsen's statement, I realized that my thinking was very, VERY wrong. Undemocratically so.  I should not have been so easily swayed by the opening statements of the prosecution.  If anything, I should've been skeptical and ruthless in my analysis.
I have never been so aware of my human fallibility, of how easily I could be persuaded by mere words.


Monday, July 8, 2013

I Suffer From Depression

It's been a tough month guys.  My Grammy died just before the 4th of July (American Independence Day for any readers not native to the U.S.) and my great-aunt died shortly before her.  Not only that, but I have been on a jury for the past week and will continue to sit on it for a few more days and, while I can't say anything about the case itself until it's concluded (and I assure you, there will be a blog about my experience, like it or not), it has been a really tough trial, with allegations including kidnapping and rape.  Suffice it to say that my life is not exactly cheery at the moment.

Anyone who has read my blog before knows that I have had experience with depression.  I've said it before: Depression never fully goes away.  It'll dissipate for a long span but, when I think it's finally gone, and that I've finally beaten it, something will trigger a relapse and I go back to feeling worthless, empty, and worst of all (for me anyway) apathetic. Times like I have currently been dealing with do not, as you can imagine, make things any easier.

At one point in my depression I was, like Mr. Kevin Breel in the video below, suicidal to the point of sitting on a cold bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand.  I didn't go through with it.  I was, as Breel says, "one of the lucky ones who went up to the edge but didn't jump."  And, also like Breel, I would be remiss if I said that I had not thought about suicide again.  But going to the edge, seeing the long and scary drop, has only made me stronger and I know that, having beaten it back once, I can beat it again and again and again.

Kevin Breel's words are poetic, succinct, and hopeful.  They provide understanding for those who have not ever suffered from the debilitating hopelessness that is depression.  They provide comfort and strength for those who have.  They are a call to action by those who are able and a call for relief to those who have been fighting the battle alone for so long.  We are not alone.  We don't have to be ashamed.  We are going to be OK.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Heroism: To be or not to be...condoned

Hello folks! I know I only posted once last month, and for that I'm sorry, but I didn't really find anything that I especially wanted to post about.  I really love to write when I am absolutely inspired (which is bad for career writing, I know) but nothing really caught my attention.  That is, not really caught my attention until today.
On this blog, I post a lot about action.  Action needs to be taken.  Quiet action, public action, online action, mass action, individual action.  We all just need to act.  There are too many people who just stand by and let life happen around them, even when someone else is in trouble.  By this generalization, you'd think that any action taken to help another would be celebrated because hey, somebody finally stood up for their fellow human.  Isn't that what you'd think?
Here's my question: is simple action heroism?  Is doing the right thing now defined as performing heroics?  Is saving your fellow classmate from a "knife-wielding bully" classified as trying to be a hero?  According to a Calgary school, it is and heroism is not an action condoned by the school.
My first thought: Umm...what?
My second thought: Maybe there's something going on here that I'm not aware of.
My third thought (after furiously scanning the article in question): Nope.  There is nothing I'm not aware of and this school is teaching its students that action is not something to be taken by yourself, but by an older and more experienced adult.
My fourth thought: .... well, shit.
The article (http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/31/briar-maclean-reprimanded-for-stopping-a-knife-wielding-bully-at-school/) describes a teenage boy who wasn't looking for trouble but nonetheless found it right beside him, threatening a classmate with a knife.  His first instinct was not to go running for help, but to use the few vital seconds afforded him by the unsuspecting nature of the bully to push the knife away from his friend and significantly decrease the risk of injury.
Let me pause here and ask: if someone next to you was being threatened with a weapon and you have less than 3 seconds before someone gets hurt to decide whether to call for help or to push away the attacker, what would you do?
The article continues to say that the boy, Brian, was later called down to the principal's office and held there until the end of the day for police and school interrogation while his locker was being searched.  His mother also received a call informing her that her son was being irresponsible and "playing hero" and that the school did not condone his actions.  Essentially, the fact that Brian saved his classmate's life was inconsequential but the actions that Brian took to save the student were reprehensible and worthy of punishment.
May I take another minute and just restate my first thought? Umm...what?
This is not okay.  Take it from a four-eyed fat middle schooler named Sara who has also been a victim of bullying.  That's right.  I had my back against the wall.  I was surrounded by girls who were "better" than me. I was asked all kinds of shaming questions that I couldn't answer and when I tried they laughed in my face.  Had one of my friends, a beautiful and brave woman even at age 13, not acted, I have no doubt that the verbal harassment would have turned physical.  Katie had to walk into the semi-circle all by herself, grab my hand, and pull me out because I was incapable of getting out myself.  But Katie is not a hero for pulling me out of a situation like this just once.  She is a hero because she would do it over again.
Just like Katie, Brian's actions in the classroom did not make him a hero.  He simply did the right thing.  What makes Brian a hero is that he did the right thing and would do it again even if he knew he was going to get in trouble.  A hero is not someone who does the right thing once in public, but who tries to do the right thing always, regardless of the consequences of the perceptions of others.
Heroism cannot be a noun.  It must be a verb because to be a hero, you must never stop acting in ways that will protect the basic human values around you.  So Brian, continue to protect your friends, your peers, and most importantly, yourself, and you will be known as a hero the world around.

For more information on how to be an everyday hero visit: (http://www.raproject.org/).  This is really helpful in determining the difference between a value and a belief and it can put you in contact with some great resources to help you become an everyday hero.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Finals Study Break!!!

Hello all! It's finals time for me and you know what that means???
YES!!!! ENDLESS PROCRASTINATION!!!!!!
So, to start our procrastination cycle that will end in self-destruction and panic attacks, I give you...
ADORABLE ANIMALS LOOKING ADORABLE!!!!
(Just...you know...I take no credit for any of these pictures, and all that jazz)
























Good luck on finals everybody!