I Suffer From Depression

It's been a tough month guys.  My Grammy died just before the 4th of July (American Independence Day for any readers not native to the U.S.) and my great-aunt died shortly before her.  Not only that, but I have been on a jury for the past week and will continue to sit on it for a few more days and, while I can't say anything about the case itself until it's concluded (and I assure you, there will be a blog about my experience, like it or not), it has been a really tough trial, with allegations including kidnapping and rape.  Suffice it to say that my life is not exactly cheery at the moment.

Anyone who has read my blog before knows that I have had experience with depression.  I've said it before: Depression never fully goes away.  It'll dissipate for a long span but, when I think it's finally gone, and that I've finally beaten it, something will trigger a relapse and I go back to feeling worthless, empty, and worst of all (for me anyway) apathetic. Times like I have currently been dealing with do not, as you can imagine, make things any easier.

At one point in my depression I was, like Mr. Kevin Breel in the video below, suicidal to the point of sitting on a cold bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand.  I didn't go through with it.  I was, as Breel says, "one of the lucky ones who went up to the edge but didn't jump."  And, also like Breel, I would be remiss if I said that I had not thought about suicide again.  But going to the edge, seeing the long and scary drop, has only made me stronger and I know that, having beaten it back once, I can beat it again and again and again.

Kevin Breel's words are poetic, succinct, and hopeful.  They provide understanding for those who have not ever suffered from the debilitating hopelessness that is depression.  They provide comfort and strength for those who have.  They are a call to action by those who are able and a call for relief to those who have been fighting the battle alone for so long.  We are not alone.  We don't have to be ashamed.  We are going to be OK.